Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
