i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
