I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
