I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
