I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
