I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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