Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
