My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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