This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
only you would photoshop your dick
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
we're so committed to being not committed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
