I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
