OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
