I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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