Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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