Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
