I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
