cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
