the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
