its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
