dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just gift wrapped bread.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
