If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
