this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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