On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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