i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
