He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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