areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
