apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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