I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Congratulations! We have a period
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