i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
