We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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