Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
