I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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