3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
