someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
