I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
