the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
