she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
