I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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