I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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