Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
