just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
