textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
