WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Congratulations! We have a period
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
