I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
