i just wanna soil my oats bro
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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