i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
