I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
