I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Where is the hickey?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I did not marry a roomba.
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