so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I know her cup size but not her name....
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
