is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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