I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
