Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
